I seem To Enjoy My Hopeless Life -- 16 Maret 2005

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I don`t know where to start… I don`t know how to begin… These days i didn`t hope too much. Maybe because i stop hoping a long time ago. Nowadays i just deal with what in front of me, something not too far away. Too much dissapointment happens and i just let go of all hopes i have back then. Too many dreams goes ashtray and too many expectations reveals itself as empty promises, in the end.

You see, these things are like cancer, eating you slowly from the inside, and when you finally realized that these hopes are impossible to come true, it`s already too late to change anything. Then dissapointment hits you hard on the jaw and BOOM ! You go cold turkey. Nobody promised you that all your hard work would really pay off. Your lover can`t really be in love with you forever and ever. And one day your best friend would stab you in the back and you know what ? This shit`s really happen. You may say that these are nuttin but a loser`s lament, a coward statement. I never did care much about being a winner or some brave warrior anyway, so what if i`m not. All i`m really trying to say is by letting go of all hopes i got, by almost not expecting anything to go well, I`m letting myself go from a very heavy burden on my back. By doing this, i reacted only to what really happened in the present, and save me from disappointments and most of all, regrets.

I`m not telling you that i`m sort of a paranoid freakazoid and suspects everything would go wrong. Just simply take a reality check once in a while and think about this. Life is not schoolyard math. In reality, one plus one is not always two, because nuttin is exactly what it is. There`s always this hidden numbers, you know, like when you think about something or someone and not saying it loud ? well..guess what, we all did it, and small matters like this do have an effect on how things end up. If i draw a straight line from one point in my life right now to another one in the future, one little distraction would take me somewhere else. Maybe something better than what i`ve expected, maybe something worse. But that`s my fate, and there`s not much i can do about it. In the process, i`ll try to do what i have to do, when i really have to deal with it, and enjoy, enjoy,enjoy…